Growing up in a single-parent family was tough. My mom worked multiple jobs to keep the family afloat, refusing to bow down to life’s challenges. I truly admire my mom for holding the fort on her own.Â
While my mom was busy making ends meet, I grew up feeling alone and emotionally neglected. My siblings were busy coping in their own ways, and we had close to no parental guidance. I remember the loneliness I felt growing up very well- I did not know how to make sense of anything, struggled to make friends, and felt like an outsider all the time.Â
I carried this confusion all the way into my teenage years when I started to harbor a lot of unexpressed anger and sadness, and the only way I knew how to cope was by being quiet. I didn’t know how to express my thoughts and feelings. Over the developmental adolescent years, this silence grew into a heavy burden, making it even more difficult for me to express my thoughts and feelings. I was not able to express myself clearly and often said things I didn’t mean. So much so that the friends I had began drifting away and I was left alone once again, trapped in my own mind.
I resigned to my situation, and reluctantly entered adulthood more confused than ever. Eventually, I sought the companionship of alcohol and I enjoyed the temporary feeling of liberation and ‘normalcy’ that it provided. But the sad truth was that the more I drank, the more depressed I became. Eventually, something inside me broke. The external pressures of marriage and work, combined with my internal burden, became too much to bear. The weight of my unspoken emotions was unbearable and I finally broke down.
I remember my first meeting at the support group vividly – I felt extremely vulnerable and constantly broke down in tears. But, I kept going back; the decades of pent up emotions were all coming out. The kindness and acknowledgment from the group made me feel heard and seen for the first time, and for the first time, my experiences began to make sense.
One thing led to another and I sought psychiatric help; I was diagnosed with major depression and mild adult ADHD. These diagnoses were truly a turning point for me – it helped me to make sense of my unexpressed anger, sadness, and my coping mechanisms. It also helped me better understand my cognitive processing capacity, and developing an insight into my limitations was liberating.
This understanding enabled me to begin my recovery journey and I took ownership of my journey. For sure the journey was not an overnight success, in fact there were many ups and downs. But I continued participating in various support groups and learned to share more than just my tears. I opened up about my experiences and the pain, and I was able to express my thoughts and feelings properly at last.
The recovery process is never linear. Even now, sometimes, the silence is tempting, especially when I got so used to keeping things to myself. Even now with the light, I sometimes find myself pulled into the darkness and the strange comfort it provides. But I know that it was a false ‘truth’ that I learnt and bought into over the years, and something I used to protect myself with in order to cope with the situation, which no longer exists.
I’m grateful to have gone through this experience, that something deep inside me broke which led me to seek help and start my recovery process. I’ve learned that recovery isn’t just about dealing with pain—it’s also about rediscovering joy and fun. Having gone through some of my own life’s hurdles, I can better appreciate my mother’s strength and the sacrifices she made for the sake of her children. I’ve also learnt that talking helps manage my thoughts and I’m glad that I’ve found my support system.
As I continue to move into my next phase of my life, I recognize there will be challenges ahead but I also know there will be victories to celebrate.
My name is Jenny, thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope you find comfort and encouragement here. Recovery is possible, and it’s worth every step.
